Happy Twelfth Day of the Politically Correct, Non-Religious, Eurocentric Mid-Winter Festival

I hope you've been enjoying the past 12 days, Christmas is coming to a close. In this global age you may have spent some time wondering just what kind of greeting is best to send diverse friends from different cultures and religions. In the spirit of inclusion, we present the following politically correct version of the gifts of the last day of the modern non-religious midwinter festival.

On the 12th day of the Eurocentric midwinter festival, my potential life partner gave to me:

12 males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming;

11 pipers piping (the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Union are included as called for in their contract, even though 7 will not be asked to play a note...) ;

10 leaping scions of a patriarchal ruling class system;

9 women from advantaged backgrounds engaged in rhythmic self-expression;

8 economically disadvantaged women coming from homes where it is understandable why they are stealing milk-products from enslaved bovines;

7 endangered swans swimming on protected wetlands;

6 enslaved fowl producing non-vegan animal products;

5 golden symbols of culturally sanctioned domestic incarceration

(NOTE: due to complaints, we have reintroduced all the colley birds, French hens and the partridge to their native habitats. To avoid the ire of animal rights activists, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

4 CD's of recorded whale songs;

3 deconstructionist poets;

2 World Wildlife calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, the proceeds from the sale of benefit the environment; and

An environmental activist chained to an old-growth pear tree (if you do not wish to keep this gift, please remember a permit is required to remove the tree pursuant to Wilmette Ordinance.)

Happy Twelfth Day of Christmas! Hope are are having a Happy New Year; we are still working on our resolutions over here. Oh, and one final thing: if you are planning to send a "12 Days of Christmas" gift next year, you can click here to see this year's cost.