Home for the Holidays: TSA Will Have Its Way With You

The new, more-invasive body searches demanded of plane passengers are unpleasant and troubling. Blame Bill Clinton, I suppose; he's the guy who brought sexual perversion into the parlor as a respectable middle class past time. Blame Janet Napolitano, too, chosen as a theoretically capable cabinet member for the American People, likely for her views on Hollywood award shows in a time where smooches between consenting starlets are the biggest story of the evening. I am voting for doing away with searches once reserved for incoming prison inmates, and pushing for simply wearing a bathing suits to the airport. The visual security check would likely be safer and a great deal more dignified. As it is, reading about the new procedures seems to involve prose far more suited to a steamy novel.

Having had a fair number of X-rays of late, and planning to travel at the holidays, I grow concerned. I'm not looking forward to dilemma faced by today's flyer's when asked that newest of travel questions: pictures or sex? It's time that the American People should demand that airport lobbies be made more honest. Wouldn't you be more comfortable if the area just before security was dedicated to contextually appropriate activities? Putting passengers in the mood before sexual assault is imperative where "relax and enjoy it" seems to be the sum total of Congressional wisdom. And that would be the Congress, who, in earlier times, likely would have some interest in protecting their constituents from unreasonable search by government agents. I demand flashing neon signs while preparing to do the barefooted passenger perp walk through airport security! I demand peep shoes, tattoo parlors, customer booths, and X-rated anything to set the stage; these are serious times.

When it comes to pre-flight screening, shouldn't passengers at least be allowed the dignity they can find at local bars, and be able to hook up with the best looking screener they can find? Where is justice when you need it? In fact, where is common sense? And would it be a bad idea to print out the above picture that I carefully stole from the Great Iowahawk and wear it as a decoration when flying?